CARACAS, Venezuela (Gadsden Harold) — In a groundbreaking display of electoral integrity, Venezuela has once again shown the world how to run a fair and honest election. Under the watchful eye of President Nicolás Maduro, the recent presidential election has set new benchmarks in the art of democratic expression. The results, which overwhelmingly favored the incumbent, were declared amidst an atmosphere of unprecedented clarity and openness, leaving other nations green with envy.
Opposition candidate Edmundo González and opposition leader Maria Corina Machado have boldly announced that they possess more than 70% of the tally sheets from Sunday’s election, showing González with more than double Maduro’s votes. “We have in our hands the tally sheets that demonstrate our categorical and mathematically irreversible victory,” González declared. Yet, the National Electoral Council, loyal to Maduro, officially declared him the winner, handing him his third six-year term.
Meanwhile, back home, Americans are breathing a sigh of relief. “I’m so glad we live in a country where elections are always transparent and above board,” said Polly Ticks, a concerned citizen from Hometown, USA. “It’s reassuring to know that kind of chicanery could never happen here.” Ticks then adjusted her tinfoil hat and continued on her way.
The 2020 U.S. election, a model of chaotic enthusiasm, is still a topic of robust discussion. With mail-in ballots flying around like confetti, mysterious midnight vote dumps, and the occasional ballot box appearing out of thin air, it was an election season to remember. Yet, despite all the drama, rest assured, every single vote was counted… and recounted… and maybe counted a few more times for good measure.
But fear not, America. If Venezuela can perfect the democratic process, surely there’s hope for us. Perhaps a few tips from our southern neighbors could help us achieve the electoral nirvana they have reached. After all, who wouldn’t want elections that are as clear-cut and undisputed as those in Caracas?
The demonstrations in Caracas, which were mostly peaceful, turned dramatic when riot police dispersed protesters with tear gas. A lone gunman added to the excitement, though no one was injured. The Venezuelan opposition continues to urge peaceful celebrations, despite the National Electoral Council’s reluctance to release the full tally sheets from the 30,000 voting machines.
Stay tuned as we explore how the United States can learn from Venezuela’s shining example. In the meantime, let’s just be glad that election rigging is a concept as foreign to us as, well, Venezuelan democracy.
